Bloomberg reports that JP Morgue is in ‘advanced’ negotiations with the SEC to resolve its CDO probe. (Remember the slap on the wrist the SEC gave The Goldman Squid last year after all the formal congressional hearings?)
SilverDoctors presents the JPM/ SEC negotiations.
Jamie Dimon: Yeah, I know…had to bring the yacht up to Miami from the Bahamas.
SEC: Man, I’m looking forward to our trip in September, how many chefs do you have on that thing? Wow, cant wait- already have my 3 escorts lined up for the whole week!
SEC: Down to business though. About those mortgage securities you packaged together in traunches and sold off to investors. Those investors have been giving us a bunch of heat…they want us to do something.
Dimon: Well I sure as F*@# ain’t going in front of congress like Lloyd did last year. I’m not wasting a whole f*@#ing day with Carl Levin!
SEC: Hmm. Yeah, I see what you mean, we don’t wanna put you through that. Lloyd still hasn’t invited me back to The Hamptons since the unfortunate Levin incident.
Dimon: Whats it gonna take to smooth this over? How about if we pick up the tab for your 3 escorts in September? We’ll even throw in my own personal favorite. She’s Brazilian too, I keep away from that American trash. Always works out nicer for everyone when the escorts ‘no habla ingles.’
SEC: I’ll take the Brazilian, but can you do any better? I have to deal with alot of crap from these investors. They’re pretty pissed as it is, especially after we let Goldman off the hook last year. They expect us to do something about this whole mess.
Dimon: How about if I throw in some porn? I can try to talk Blythe into doing a shoot. That way you’ll have something to do when you get back to work now that you guys have that hardcore filter.
SEC: Sounds like a pretty good deal in principle. I’ll have my people announce we’re in advance negotiations for the CDO settlement. I’ll have to announce some sort of financial hit as well to keep the investors at bay…we’ll make it $250 million. We’ll have Bernanke send it back to you immediately of course.
Dimon: Don’t forget the interest.
SEC: Don’t worry, we’ll take care of it.
Alright, I gotta run, tee-time is 12:35 today. Anything else I can do for ya Jamie?
Dimon: Don’t think so. Looking forward to our trip. I’ll have to get the boys to get to work finding me some new girls!
Disclaimer: Above conversation is fiction and may or may not depict the actual conversation involved in the JPM/ SEC negotiations.